1.25.21

• Sleep not as great / HRV poor; possibly due to eating a big dinner, woke up with an almost caffeine headache so that’s still in my system—need to cut out caffeine and dinner.

• Need to also incorporate exercise and magick.

• Goal—take care of myself today.

• Started crying doing Middle Pillar--did not complete due to time; still don’t understand why I am depressed, but it makes sense that a) I’m about to start my period. b) I’m in my Saturn period, today is my Saturn day. c) I’m stressed about silly things like wedding planning. d) I’m out of shape and unhappy with my body / insecure. 

• It might still have to do with watching Suicide Squad the other day--that’s when I started crying this weekend and then it followed Sunday night until this morning; it’s the feelings of insecurity that I’ve been harboring inside coming out--just unhappiness with my body. 

• I also haven’t done anything to help counteract those feelings, like dance, or feel joy this past weekend--I relaxed, sure. But I didn’t celebrate anything. In fact, I’ve been holding myself back from doing hobbies that are “fun” to be because of responsibilities, etc. But why do I feel like I need to do that? Because I don’t feel deserving of enjoying those activities. 

• I feel like my self-esteem is at an all-time low and this weekend I wanted comfort food so badly. 

• It was so silly when I was doing the Middle Pillar and for some reason I thought of the beautiful tan, white girl on the beach with the high waisted one-piece bathing suit that Jake and Mike were checking out her butt--she looked absolutely perfect and they even talked about it afterwards--I felt so unattractive in comparison--it’s no wonder I feel so depressed. Because I base my self-esteem off of how attractive I am and that’s what we’re taught to do. Obviously some of it should be based off of how well I take care of myself, but I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I don’t want to feel insecure and out of shape and not beautiful as compared to these “other girls”. 

• Then again, I was watching Are You The One? and found a contestant very attractive, but does that mean I love M any less or find him any less perfect? No. Just because someone is attractive or beautiful doesn’t take away from what I feel for from M and if it does, then that just reveals that I’m not in the relationship for the right reasons.

• I feel so ugly lately--maybe I do need to go back to Torch or something.

• Need to do the Middle Pillar tonight and yoga, as well as skip dinner. On my planner, the quote so perfectly captures it, “It is only the first step that is difficult.” Marie De Vichy-Chamrond. 

• I can use these energies and transform them exactly into the energy I need to better myself. 

• Feeling hopeful again.