Doing my best to update this blog so that I may one day look back upon my journey.

Saturday January 23rd, watched Suicide Squad with M--for the first time I did not lash out at M for my jealousy, even though I asked him questions and got down on myself; so far had done candle magick for self-love and talisman to "Release the Pain of Jealousy". I could really sense it at work here.

Sunday January 24th--woke up at 5 am with M and rode bike laps around the neighborhood, had a great morning, however, depression and anxiety set in in the evening due to desire to "cheat". 

Monday January 25th, felt pretty down and depressed in the morning--starting the week feeling down about work, etc. I suppose my stress came from pressure to research wedding venues this past weekend which I did not start on.

I put on my to-do list to complete the Middle Pillar (since I started crying when I attempted this on Monday morning) and do yoga in the evening. It was raining in the evening and I mentioned my plans to run in passing and M volunteered to run with me--we did the small lap around the block and it was invigorating. I felt better already.

Yesterday, I woke up at 5am with M again--he was having trouble getting up, but I encouraged him to go on bike ride and volunteered to go with him. We did another four laps and it was a very good morning--I had plenty of time to do magick at 6 am and then eat breakfast with M. 

I looked at my cards on the Destiny Software and saw my 9ofS and 6ofS underlying QofS on my Saturn day, Monday. Same card combination on my Uranus day, Tuesday, as well--I had dreaded these cards and wondered what was going to happen last week--I didn't realize it meant the end of my poor habits!

However, Tuesday night I fell asleep late, I was looking at hip impingement exercises, then my old hooping videos on IG and wondered where my passion, my dance, my youthful joy, enthusiasm, and energy went. I felt oddly down about where I was and my life--even though I feel stronger and smarter as a person, I felt like I lost something in my development as well.

I also thought about how much work I had to do on myself fitness wise, since watching so many Whitney Simmons videos yesterday (i.e. Whitney's sheer athleticism and handstands in the crossfit video and the complexity of designing a workout between reps, sets, etc.). It made me realize how long of a way I had to go, how I had used BBG and stopped once I finished the program, but that in order for me to succeed, I would need to be committed to working out daily and not stop once I've attained progress.

I had the intention of hanging periodically every hour on my pull-up bar during the workday to build strength over time, but during work today I actually was not successful at motivating myself to do this. I felt aggravated this morning, but I allowed myself to take lunch and then *decided* that I would take just a little hoop break as I imagined last night. In addition, I found Natalie Bennett's YT channel and it made me want to declutter and get rid of all the baggage I was feeling so badly. 

The hoop break definitely helped, I felt a little rusty and about losing ceiling height / hoop space, but I actually kept the music on and that helped a ton with keeping up momentum in the afternoon! At some point in the afternoon I picked up the kettle bell and did some kettle bell swings and it was amazing feeling like I found something that had a cardio element to lifting? Immediately after I finished those kettle bell swings I felt more clearheaded and energetic as well.

Once M came home and I clocked out, I still had a lot of energy from my afternoon tea and went for a run--it was a 10m30s mile which was a whole minute faster than my last .6 mile run, haha. M was stretching in the activity room so I actually kept my music on and messed around on the pole and did hip impingement exercises! I understood it a little better too--making sure my shoulder was "in place" when I was doing moves, rather than just trying to execute the move without attention to proper form, also understanding how to throw my weight around the pole in a graceful manner--pole looks good when you move with the momentum and keep your lines graceful. I realized how little I knew about pole because I could still do most of what I learned, haha. 

I needed to shower today so I had even planned during the work day to take a bath--I sat in M's bath, but before that I even did some yoga!